It is only when I turn off the light, head on the pillow, pillow over my face- that I stop and think. Only then that I realize how thoughtless my priorities have been, how stupid my decisions have been.
I should have listened more, asked questions more, spoken sweeter more, helped more, explained more, been excited more, been closer more- done everything more.
I should have gotten out of my own head, turned off the radio, turned off the TV, stopped working, stopped running, put my list aside- just stopped for once.
I am such a fucking idiot. In a few years she will not even want to be around me, or be too busy for me, or too bored with me. But now she loves me and just wants my attention- and I waste it.
I want to change it- wish I could do something about it right now. Want to roll back the clock a few hours so I could redo this night- tell her, show her, be with her. But she is asleep in her bed. And I am stuck with these thoughts that only seem to come with the dark.
Is it worse to have these thoughts at night, or to forget them all the next morning?