The Long Hot Shower

Hot water ran through my cold frozen body parts: neck, palms, legs, feet, those areas I couldn’t help them warm when I was outdoor. It feels good now. So good and I wish I never have to stop. When I linger few more minutes to this running hot shower, it has suddenly reminded me the time when I was with Simon. I don’t want to recall those days so I didn’t let this shower time go longer than my usual shower time. I came out to type this note. By typing it, by facing it, I hope it could iron out a bit. Yes it will, tell me it will.

Those days I had just started to take the antidepressant. Total numbness in my thoughts and body, something new and out of control. But there’s something new and within control, that’s the choice of being in this hotel shower room. I stay there in few journeys, each time a few nights, each day I shower a few times, in any time of the day. Sometimes I see the sunlight came in from the frosted glass, I examine the bricks and the lines in between bricks, the shades of color, and some little ants passing by. Sometimes I find my self standing in total darkness, I search for the tap area by memory and the dim street lights, my body is numb in drunken swings, but my mind has never been lost, not ever, not one second I don’t know what’s going on, I wish but I’m never that lucky. Standing here having a long hot shower helps my drunken body to collect senses, gradually getting more.

And then same case in another hotel shower room, same day and night memories, everything same except with different person, different time and different space. That was the first time I have ever taken such a long hot shower, I guess it’s at least an hour long. I know, I’m guilty to have wasted the water. I never did want it but I just did. It was my first time after the “reborn”. I wasn’t sure what to do, I came this far and still not sure if I could. I guess that’s the reason I was hiding in there, trying to wash away the drunken swings and procrastinating what would happen next. WW was the same. We came back from the beach drunken and couldn’t walk right, but since we found our way back I’m sure he’s the same, never really drunk. He was sitting on the floor outside and waited for me patiently. We were wet with sands sticky on our bodies and we needed the shower but I just couldn’t go out because I didn’t know what to do. I can never stop chicken-out in last minute in all cases. I guess he was as lost as I was, procrastinating.

I will always enjoy hot shower and I know, I will never have those days in my life anymore.

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