Monday, November 30th, MMXV
“Do you always like passively ?”, said A
“That’s a good question…. It changes…. Depends on the situation.You?”, said B
“I have no guideline to be passive or not , I think I’m very passive at most of the situation, but then I have the personality that’s as innocent as a baby, I see things from the simple point of view , that has driven me to do a lot of things that’s not doing by the many, such as to push something, like, a relationship , a job, an appointment etc.” said A
One late evening when I was standing in the highways radiate in all directions, the flashes of lights embraced me in the city never sleeps. The blinks, it stops and goes in some batches. In the green lights when the cars move towards my direction, I was actual feeling like they came for me to greet or hug me, like a hug from a person – it’s a shamed that I’m longing to be touched by another human being but all I get is these mechanical moving objects made of steels glass rubber oil and soulless ? — Catching Up
When certain (successful) men are reaching certain points in life, they are seceding slowly – Why is that? Being dense? Perfectionism? Senile? Or, did they stress out too much in the past (they did very well indeed) and this is the way they retire and retreat? Do they really not care of how they are needed by others (or the one)? Or how they could make others (the one) happy? Or they simply dont enjoy the company of others (the one) at all? Nothing could make them stay? Would they even try to make others (the one) happy in order to gain their own happiness?
Faithfully yours. — Final Request
Sunday, November 29th, MMXV 5/10
Here we don’t have that gift exchange but sometimes we do buy stuff for fun. Radnor and I haven’t bought anything for each other for a long time, might be some Xmas cards or small gifts in dating time/newly wed. Nowadays not even anything on birthdays.
Today I told him (Whatsapp) why I was mad about the empty box he threw. I told him it’s about low self esteem n respect, I asked if he knows why. N I told him I don’t blame him I just wanna out so that he can stop hurting me unintentionally. He was mad at first but at least he became speechless, n said he’s low esteem too. I answered “who cares” I meant I have no energy to care of his low esteem too(which is hidden well but I know it) . It’s just sad. But I’m not gonna let it bring me down. I’m gathering more courage to tell him more, I believe he will soon let me go.
Today little Salisbury has been promoted to the first violin officially and he’s so happy. Looks like his dad pays good money to get him trained and it’s worthy – something I had been nagging and opposing in the last five years – way too expensive. We went celebrated by buying him more expensive outfits for the season, mostly for the school interviews that his dad prepared for him, some top ten schools – is that really necessary? Being the standby kids in prestige school or the top students in normal school – which one you prefer to be? He has experienced these for three years each in his last six years – why do we need to TRY again in next six years?
Endless disagreements, I can only choose to keep quiet and let him do all he wants for His son. All of these artificial and surface things really sickening me. Although I was never a bright student does it mean I can’t voice out and can’t decide what I want for My son? And then, I felt stupid. I have given up hope and have stopped caring what’s going on for many years, why did I bring up the topic today? Did I imagine things could have been changed or got better as he always said it has? Can’t believe I still want to trust him.
The scene from Titanic always came up, when Rose ran n screamed: can someone take a look at what I want?
Sunny Saturday, November 28th, MMXV 5/10
It’s 2am and I’m still awake. Weather’s getting warm and I’m liking it – sunny in day, windy at night. There are few things to make me smile today. It’s related to talking other people. I guess I’m just so needing to social and it brings me happiness! No sign of gloomy today. Such an unusual Saturday!
Maybe it’s also because I know you are happy !
Windy, Cloudy Friday, November 27th, MMXV 4/10
Headache whole day. It’s called head-wind in TCM. Or is it due to the windy season and change of weather. Gonna be warm again in the weekend. Why can’t it stay 365day in same weather? Ok I know why. Because I never want to stay the same too.
2145hrs: so cold. so cold. So lonely standing in middle of the highways, wrapped by cars noise lights crowds, it’s even more lonely. But I saw a beautiful smile on a little girl dressed in xmas outfit. I remember how fun it was when comes to this seasonal holiday, until my world turn grey, and the sky collapsed.
Windy, Cloudy Thursday, November 26th, MMXV 3/10
Today I had a class with Icy again. I’m still taking notes on my phone. I guess that’s why last week she said I was absent-minded.
It’s the communication class, today’s topic is about what do we do when we are angry.
The lecturer is a marriage counsellor. As usual, her class is full of laughter and joy. She shares lots everyday life issues, something very stupid and done by everyone of us.
Other than tips about how to deal with Disagreement, she has another important tip about Secret. If it’s a secret to you, keep it to yourself so that it is always a secret. If someone tell you a secret and warn you not to tell anyone, please tell him to keep the secret to himself and you don’t want to know it. As predicted, at the end of her line everyone bursted out laughter. We all know what it means and how everyone trusted the wrong person or so forth.
I didn’t realise that’s so important to you until we talked about it.
It’s not like I have good plan to reveal any secrets I hear from anyone who trusted me. I guess I have never revealed any secrets in my life, because I couldn’t recall many times when someone trusted me with theirs. But I do have vivid memory on how others have sacrificed to keep my secrets for me and the gratitude couldn’t be expressed. Especially when one of them is Jack, someone who has been with me since I know myself, someone appears in many of my life stories that you can find in this blog.
I can’t influence anyone who wants to reveal his secrets to me or not. I guess the idea of wanting to do so is precious to me. Other than that, if I have a secret to tell I would want to be comforted and or I know it will go with them to the grave. I guess that has everything to do with how much you can trust someone.
If you could feel a relief, that’s the most important thing of all. I don’t mind if you want to tell your secret to a person, a tree, or in wind.
Windy, Cloudy Wednesday, November 25th, MMXV 3/10
It is windy today and I didnt wear enough to keep warm.
I had to rip off the new knitting project after one big chunk of yarn is used, casted on too many stitches. I am still not decided what to make of it, I just bought it because I like the color at that time (4 years ago). I suppose I will just try out something to practice my skill before I receive more yarns/order next month.
Partly Cloudy Tuesday, November 24th, MMXV 8/10
Had some good sleeps and woke up happy, supposingly. Instead, I cancelled both appointments and decided to stay home today. At least I prefer to stay home, that’s something I like to do.
Windy Monday, November 23rd, MMXV 4/10
Had a good time sitting in the park till it’s dark.
The happy pill kept me shut down whole day.
One said I’m “self-centred”, the other two said I’m not. I guess I’m not.
Very Sunny Sunday, November 22nd, MMXV 9/10
Love and need the sunshine. Energetic and contented.
It’s my first legal vote in my life today. Been moving houses my entire life and never get a chance to vote. Not that I love to participate in anything like that, just saying.
Together with some other “official” events, I have missed out a lot too. For e.g.: I haven’t received an wedding invitation card have my name written on it. I guess it’s always wrong timing at wrong location (with wrong people too?) Or I’m always an attachment, a representative, than an independant.
I guess that’s part of the reason why I always treasure letters and cards I received with my name written on them. But then I lost a major part of my collections over the past years…
Hazy Saturday, November 21st, MMXV 7/10
Strangely, this morning woke up found myself relaxed and happy! Maybe I had enough of the blues in the past few days.
Came home with beautiful colors.
Bro asked: “Why didn’t he come to pick you up by knowing you’ll be home at late hours three times a week?”
“I’m not 22-year-old. You have been pampering your women; it doesn’t make the whole world of men to do that too. You wouldn’t think he could protect me would you”
Windy. Cloudy Friday, November 20th, MMXV 2/10
Went out for the Editors meeting but it was cancelled and I’m not notified. The person who is responsible was feeling sorry to me and wanted me to stay. I normally would, but today I didn’t want to go but forced myself to go, so I think I’d better head home and continue hiding as I originally wanted so.
I will not let it ruin my day. I will have a good day
It’s Paola’s birthday tomorrow. She asked me to meet her for lunch and celebrate for her. I’m her only friend but after two weeks of consideration I had to turn it down. How cruel am I.
Today Ivy called and asked me out for lunch. Wanted me to check her knitting for her. I turned it down too. What’s wrong with me.
I just want to hide. They are draining my energy which hadn’t much left.
Mo left home this morning and gave me three continuous hugs. He forgot his watch and came back for it, and he hugged me again. Sweet boy💕
Scarfs and neck-warmers for the poors
Hat and neck-warmer for Rob. Mailed. He said he wanted to hug me until I tell him to stop. How lovely is that thought.
If you know losing your marriage/job would eventually be okay, would you take precautions of not let any of these happen ?
Partly Sunny. Windy Thursday, November 19th, MMXV 2/10
The red season is here!
“Why is Santa in red?”
“Santa looks best in red!”
Was feeling pink in the morning – pink silk shirt and ivory-backed pink earrings.
Later on “it” burns off while trying to fix some posts in the blog. Maybe just an excuse. It wasn’t good at all no matter what I did.
Kept taking some short naps and tried to fight it off.
Stuffed with a donut, plus the mochaccino, might help to drink it all down the throat, under my magic spell it should work.
He texted me and asked if we could watch MI5 together tonight and he needs a talk.
What do you expect me to answer?
Can I not say Yes please?
I stopped responding to his messages and this situation has been going on for years.
When someone does not response it means not interested, right?
Here’s the dialogue with my classmate Icy. She tapped my shoulder from the back after we left class.
“Are you alright? You look absent-minded today.”
I gasped. “Really? What gave it away?”
“You look like you have a lot in mind! “
But we didn’t interact much today. The class started right after I arrived, and we didn’t have a break in the 2.5-hour due to the role-play drama we had. I had full concentration in class, it’s a good class – everyone laughed a lot.
“How did you find it out? You must be a good observer! “
“In last two classes you were outright and delightful, even thought you only shared little things in life”
“Maybe I’m a good faker then. I don’t know”
“I don’t think so. I hope you would cheer up! Have a good weekend”
~ Sometimes little angels comes in our lives to cheer us up and made our days💜
Stared at the lights and sky color
Sunny Wednesday, November 18th, MMXV 2/10
Went to see the Therapist today for a regular consultation. Did a couple of tests and went on well. She said I have beautiful scores. But in my quick glance – it was 12/25 and the other one is 4/10 – it looks marginal to me.
The first one was about how serious am I in Anxiety(4), Depression(2) and Stress(6); the second was how psychologically happy I am.
However, in overall, I feel things are under control, I know she judged it from my speech before she commented so. Either tests in paper or speech, I know what to give in order to receive this result. Just like how I got myself into this whole thing seven years ago. I manipulate and orchestra the whole thing. I think anyone in his sanity could do that, but then no one in his sanity would do that for no reason.
She put me into a few therapy groups. It caught my eyes for the “Editor’s Corner”, something different from other centres. They published a newsletter every three months. I think that would be fun. Like the old school days. I would be learning the local Chinese input format, Publisher, CorelDraw and a few other tools. Good to brush up the skills.
One of the nurse spotted me out and called my name. Thats unbelievable. Usually I am the one who would remember other’s names and faces and surprised them, never the other way round. I hadn’t came this department for over two years and when I came I wasn’t even active. Anyway, it is nice to be remembered, hopefully in a good way.
Stocking up my happy days for January & February. Hopefully the winter wont be too hard on me.
Cloudy Tuesday, November 17th, MMXV 1/10
I don’t always get to walk along with some old big lines of trees. It’s man-planted, better than nothing.
Must be my lucky day today.
Anyway, sights are filled with constructions sites which I’m avoiding in my snaps
Heads up for the tiny blue skies and white clouds. It is a good day today.
Beautiful deep shades of blue with big huge thick white cloud.
They said, whenever we see this – it means a hot day without wind.
How tiny is our sky here. Always something else into the sight.
Just another night in the street of neon lights.
Heart is a little bitter. I should get something sweet to please myself.
In fact, just a tiny pleasure for the tongue.
Never a snack person. Maybe I need something in liquid.
Always wonder what to choose.
Milky? Maybe. Since I haven’t had dinner.
Fruity? Maybe too sweet.
Works just like Champagne.
Something to cheer me up.
But again, too sweet.
How about liquor ?
Guess what I have chosen?
Are you gonna guess?
Boring? Snapple is it!
Peach can always cheer me up.
Don’t remind me how sweet it is.
Just two storeys up. There is no pressure to walk.
I think they are used to take lifts instead of needing it.
Can we get used to not being loved in the way we wish and stop yearning for it?