January

 


23rd.Sat

Today we went to visit two elderly homes. I like volunteering works but I dont like to visit to the unfortunates, because I’m not capable to cleanse my mind after the visits. Why do I often do something that I’m not entirely sure I want to do? I have rejected and avoided this for many times, how did I fail this time – I was hoping it is something else.

So, we went to two homes, both are poor and uneducated elderly who live alone. I came home to wash all of my jackets and clothings because one of them told us how the rat and diseases has ruined his home. I was so regretting to sit there and listened.  Being a clean freak not a big deal, but having this afternoon stayed in my mind for a long time thats something I need to handle, and I’m not quite sure how. I hope this is the last time I would do things like this, I must protect myself from sinking into feeling sorry for others.

I can do a lot of charity or volunteering works but not everyone is suitable to be a volunteer, especially not one with weak mind.  That’d be the most silly things in the world to help and then needed to be helped. I’ll just have to be careful next time to choose what I am capable of.

I miss going to church, that church.  We skipped it for past few weeks. It is one of the oldest church in town, wooden bench, pipe organ background. I guess 95% of those sitting around me, are just like me, take it as an enjoyment to be there for the music and for the little quiet time in mind, instead of paying attention to the worshipping.  I have seen more devoted Christians back in Malaysia, but not here in this city, there are many reasons.


18th.Mon

Completed my bracelet with blessing and memory. I think I look like a gypsy witch, but I am happy to become one.
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16th.Sat
Farewell Dr.L

A good teacher would not only give insightful message to the hearts, it would too gather the hearts and souls to the teacher, with endless love, thoughts and blessing.  Dr.L has helped thousands of people who were once lost and sorrowful in life but now have the courage to live life again with bravery heart.

Dr L in red, left in first pic, middle in second pic
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I captured the little camera-lady in blue shirt on the right – I like to pay attention to those people who would humbly serve others without asking for return. She is an amateur camera-lady, but contributed a lot to the class, for free, in her 70s.
Beautiful minds.

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Beautiful smiles. Im not in it.


15th.Fri

It rained like no tomorrow.

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9th.Sat

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A rare son-mommy time. I introduced the Peanuts comic to him few months ago. He has to know what is it because his Mom used to have fun reading them – The longest story ever told by one human being.

 


8th.Fri

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I helped the couple to print out their homework and handed it on time. The wife came to me with a snack. All giver would not expect to be rejected? I rejected for twice, my mind came up with few excuses but at last I took it.  Sometimes we just want others to take what we want to give, without considering if it is a delight for others, or a burden. I mean other issues, not this one. I accepted it with grateful.

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I came home to see this on the table. A snack we bought from the last trip to Macau, it has 12pcs inside and I didnt expect I get to have some of it.

It says, “Mom, I leave these for your enjoyment” Isnt he sweet? He could have gulped everything.


 7th.Thu

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End of the world! Found a big hole in the middle of the knitting piece. Investigated but still dont understand how did I miss that knot – how is that possible.

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If I take down from top, those are at least 20 knots/20lines. What should I do.

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6th.Wed

Have you heard of the saying: If one complains about the hating apple and wanting orange, but he has apples everyday for the last two years, it means he doesnt hate apple enough or in fact he somehow loves it, because that is his Current State, his non-stop relationship with Apple.

This idea struck me totally, like it’s the only explanation to differentiate whether we are bellyaching. For many years I started to use this as the scale to evaluate things sad by myself or others. And I realised there are many philosophical notes having the similar ideas too.

And you know what the scary part is, that I will be stuck in this ‘unwanted’ situation for next millions years because all decision is on my hand and Im not doing it.

3rd.Sun

The notion of karma implies that heaven and hell are only to be found here on earth, where we have the capacity to create them, manufacturing either goodness or evil depending on our destinies and our characters. Do you believe in Karma? I don’t take much effort to try believing it or not but its in the culture that I grow up with, sometimes I practice it or it gives me a reason what to choose to do, most of the time.

Today the superwoman is reborn. Take up responsibility at home for the boys. I want to say he is a spineless man but I think it’s unfair to say so. I think everyone is good and bad at certain things, I’m just better at these things I have in mind and I want us to have it, while he sucks at it. I did these for a long time but gave up doing it in the last few years but now I’m back. It’s gonna be a long time battle and I feel weak, I don’t wanna face it. 95% of me not wanting to do it because it is withholding me from my plan. But, what can I do. Just gotta do it. I’m not even interested to look at his face and remind him what to do to cooperate with me in order not to ruin my plans, because no matter how soft or how fierce my tone is, how much he heard it and remember by heart or not, he will repeat the same mistake in less than two weeks time. It was first happened back 20yrs ago when we were dating, I said the exact same line while my heart was broken, I said something about “in two weeks you did it again”. I can’t believe I have had such a faith to him and letting him hurting me the same way over and over again and yet still letting it happen. Are you insane? Yes definitely. Hopefully not anymore?

Life is just full of craps, isn’t it? Everyone is just pretending with full sheilds and geared up and pretending to like and be happy at everything around them. Including myself, of course. We are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.


2nd.Sat
Alert.Awareness

 

  1. Have you ever thought of ending your life? Leaving this world?
  2. Have you planned on it? What is the plan like?
  3. Has it been implemented before?

 


1st.Fri
Satisfied.Belonging

 

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