It’s just, terrifying

Remember we talked about there are things we said “we don’t Like/Want now” but one day things turn 360c and “we are starting to Consider, Like, Want even Love it?”

I think I shared before but maybe I didn’t make it strong enough to tell you this is something very important to me or effect me very much in my life, something I’m still having the after-shock or fear of: When is the next wave, or About What.  It even effects me on how to decide next.  Probably a good thing to knock on my head to tell me to start being responsible on every decision I make.

I remembered telling my friend, when we were gossiping about a male friend has left his wife for a new girlfriend. It was sad to us because we grew with them from dating to marriage to divorce. I was telling my friend that I could chop off my head if I would one day get divorced or love another man or just anything related to how impossible I would stop loving this lifestyle i was having, being a happy little wife, new marriage, new family, newborn…. everything.  Then one day I found out that, all of those things I said I love, it doesn’t matter to  me at all, not a bit, I can imagine my life without any of it, not even my child, the flesh and bone of my own.  It was an extreme idea that exist in my mind within a short time, true mind-blowing experience, imagine how I became crazy later on.  A normal people should have something nurture for a long time in mind.

I never had this feeling until M came into myself.  Before that time I didn’t think I would want to give up that lifestyle or it has never occurred into my mind that I would want another lifestyle, no matter how much I think I was angry in the marriage or at him, or maybe I wasn’t mad enough, I don’t know.  Then M gave me some brand new ideas that have all been totally completely accepted by me, in relatively short time, then I flipped everything over and wanted something the opposite.  That was a decision made without him around, he wasn’t supporting me, in fact he was opposing it, he didn’t want me to get divorced, he wanted me to be well in the marriage.  So, i didn’t make that decision because I wanted to be with another man or fantasising a life with other men/romance things like that.

Have you ever had similar experiences? Something you hate/dislike so much, do everything you could to shake it off, but one day you want it back. Or the other way round, you wanted something so badly, but one day you realised that you actually hate it, cant wait to get rid of it or never heard from it ever again.

It is an impact to me even about small things in life.  When I was enjoying and licking my chocolate ice-cream, something I have loved since I was little, then one day it means nothing to me anymore – I don’t enjoy ice-cream or chocolate or both at the same time anymore(same with most food). I don’t know if something changed on my taste buds or the suicidal thoughts got the better of me.  That was the time I started to be unsure about everything, big or small things. I don’t know what I like or dislike anymore. I can like anything I don’t think i like, then I can dislike anything I think I like.  A total lost of value about life.  All credit goes to M.  He does very little in fact, we were chatting online for only 2 weeks then he was gone for years until we resume talking again last year (7-8yrs in between we have some chats few days in every few months/years) I guess I can only say, he inspired me, or triggered something in me, just happen to push every right button, that he isnt aware of.  Our relationship doesn’t go well, not good at all, we are 5% compatible to be friends or acquaintance.  -Im saying, I cant blame him.

Maybe Im giving an excuse. Maybe Im still weighting what should I do to this family that I cant seem to leave, maybe I don’t want to, maybe I cant. I just don’t know. I don’t know for sure what to do, that I can be know for sure what would I want in future. Will I want to come back, Will I want love what I said I hate now? Do I make this decision alone, or wait for someone to make for me? Rob offered to make for us, can I accept it, can I blame him if it turns out bad?

For eg, if I hate the yelling, maybe one day I would miss the yelling, maybe one of us became a mute, that I wish we could do the yelling once again.  Do I sound like a little girl. So lost in life.

–It is just, terrifying.

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