I was wrong when I said I don’t like to talk about it when I’m upset about something. Precisely, I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone at anytime. I want it to be with a special someone with a good hug if needed, at somewhere I would feel safe, with someone I know he/she would be there for me no matter how horrible things I would say out loud from bottom of my heart.
It was first my mommy when I felt like she was my whole wild world that I can wander around as far as I want to go or as high as I want to jump and she would always cushion my fall.
Then it was my besties in teenage, she would agree to everything I said and told me she felt exactly the same.
Then it was my lover, he would hold me tight in his arms and told me how precious I am to him and everything I felt was perfectly normal and that he would be there for me anytime I need him. — Wait. I just made it up. I never have had this lover said this to me. I might have been this lover to others, but No, not once I felt this way from those so-called lovers in my life.
When I’m upset, the first and foremost I want to do, is to hide inside your arms and close my eyes because I know you will be there for me and told me everything will be alright. – I have hoped for this day as long as I can remember things but it just never come by. Since that’s the case, I have been convincing everyone (including myself) that I don’t want to talk about anything when I’m upset because I know no one would care what I think, what I want, how I feel, or what i want to hear. They don’t even try.
Like right now, all I have is poking at my phone for this blog entries. It’s nothing abnormal or new, it’s so common for almost everyone to feel like what I’m feeling right now. Things becomes meaningless if it’s all concluded to “It’s Okay” at the end.