And in a flash I see myself doing it. I have thought about it dozens of times but, never actually pictured myself doing it, until now.
And I wonder- is it ever peaceful? Can it ever be peaceful? When you have a healthy body and only an unhealthy mind- can it ever be peaceful for the mind to stop the body? For the mind to stop the body to stop the mind. Or does the body always fight back, the bastard that it is? Can it not take a hint? That it is not wanted. That I am not wanted. That you are just here for me, to serve me, so if I don’t want this mind anymore, you must come with me.
But this damn body is too strong. Or is it too weak, that it cannot accept this situation? Can’t get over it. Your life is over. Make it easy on both of us- please. When the time comes- just let it go. No fighting for another breath. No matter what is in the way, no matter what I put in the way. Please, no unsightly flailing of arms, or gasping for breath. Or a heart or lungs that don’t know when to quit. That keep working despite the odds, despite the damage already done. Don’t live on without me- what a horror that would be for both of us. Please not that.
Just follow my lead. Do what I ask of you. Do that for me and I will resist the last minute regrets, resist the calls to (former) loved ones to say goodbye, resit the blubbering or embarrassing notes. No more fighting- just grant me my final request.