February

28th, Sun

🎼To live together is a sin, release me, and let me love again🎧

You never open your eyes to look at us, do you? You always live in the surface and assume this beautifully crafted life is real, don’t you?

It stops my heart to shout at you: “You call this love? You love me? You always say Love Love Love. What’s love to you? Do you know why you think you love me recently? Because I’m well-behave. Can you love me when I tell you what’s in my mind? If you can’t then who or what do you think you are loving?”

I can’t believe I get a chance to shoot this to your face today. Why did you let me? You know I don’t want to. You know it. Can you grow up please? Don’t make it spell it out to you ever again, it breaks my heart as much.

 

 


24th Wed

image
He was browsing his old photo albums and sent over one of the old photos, especially this one when I was overweight. Enclosed with a touching line that should touch anyone.

When he gives beautiful promises like that, it becomes meaningless. Why is that? Should I reply that Im ‘seeing’ other man, although I an not. Should I tell him brutally that I dont like it, I dont want to hear it? I used to tell him that, but it didnt stop him from saying that so now Im not saying that to him.  There were a long period of time I wanted to hear those, those were when he never said it.  Cat-rat race? It always is, always will be.  We will always look for what is lacking, get what we dont have, give up what we have… it is call human nature? Being positive? Improvement?

Do you know why is he feeling so much in love with me lately? I know. It’s because I have been acting “good” – highly agreeable, no disputes, a quiet person, sleeps early, no meeting therefore no arguments – a submissive one who only does what he wants– who wouldn’t love that? Is he that childish or I have underestimated him?


20th Sat

Surrender all your battles
It’s only love that makes us matter

 


18th Thu

Grieving.
Not about anyone, not about anything. Or it is about everything and every stories I heard recently. Well, who cares. Just how I feel right now, these days.  Brought me down to this old dump of emotions.  I’m supposed to meet more people, go out more, get more stimulations. But I just want to stay in, close up everything, so that nothing else could hurt me or touch me.  I’m such a weirdo to them. They were talking among each other, I sat there with a smile and pretending I was listening, I’m sure I did well with nodding and more smiles when comes to important points, giving all sort of conventional expression that I am supposed to give as a listener.  Yet, they still caught me staring with empty-mind, both of them, twice respectively, they noticed it – someone sitting there not talking but staring, “is she wanting to joining to chat, or is she having something to say, or is she…?” In order not to get invited into more, I had to excuse myself asap before things got worse.  I ran away, with more smiles, more chattings, making sure everything run on smoothly without awkward left …. hopefully.  But for those who are concern, I know, they will say something to me soon. Shall I burst out in tears and tell them Im in sorrow, or shall I reply with a big smile in nodding and high tone, What? No, nothing, Im totally fine, everything is fine.

Oh god. It reminds me how did I feel in those years, when I was dying to hear from someone, anyone, I wanted to share, I wanted to tell the world how sad I am inside of me, how painful I was, what happened to me, how lost I was, how difficult I was….. I actively went to everyone I could to unfold everything to them – they ran away, all of them, I scared them off.  It gave me more pain, I didnt know I was that scary.

But now Im a new ME. I dont need that, I dont need those shoulders to cry on, I dont need to stay in the weakling pose and receive comfort or be remembered, be helped, be hugged.  Im on my own. I can take care of my own.  I want to be alone. I want to take care of these, embrace any single tiny joy or grieve by myself. Past years of experiences showing that I can do it and done it well, didn’t I?

— God knows I was lying.


17th Wed

He was putting on his scarf on, the one I knitted for him last month.  At the same time was pointing at my knitting basket, are those ready for my mom? It is so cold these days.  Good son, he is. Remember his mom during this cold weather.  Too bad, I dont like it. I bought a bunch of yarns in all shades of black-grey in few different types of yarns. I knitted a few pattern in a few length. I asked a few dozen questions about how to make a perfect one for his parents – it has driven me nuts, and must have contributed to the depression lately.  It’s been many times I told myself I will not do anything for the family anymore, it would only bring lots of horrible consequences.  But once again Im doing it over and over again.  This time I dont think I can handle anything so I had to stop until I can pick it up again.  I will, I know I will go on, I will not leave those beautiful yarns there, I want them in someone’s usage and under sunlight.  It’s just not today.  I said,” You didnt help me to by telling me what would she like, I can easily choose for my mom and I know what would she like!” He replied:”I dont even know what would you like, do I look like I care what would she like?”

 

 

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