Last night I was kept awake by delusions of of grandeur.
I thought that someone would want to be with me. That if I touched her hand or shoulder she would feel something special- that she would think it was sweet. Thought that if I gently lowered my head and rested it on her shoulder that she would tilt her head and rest it on mine, and we would both sit there quiet and content for a long time. Believed that if I asked her to talk with me she would be pleased. That if I asked her to go somewhere with me she would smile and say Yes.
The delusions were nice, even though they kept me up for at least two hours. Then I realized the touch would be met with a “sorry”, the tilt of my head would be pulled away from, and the offer would be politely declined.
How could I be so stupid? How could I think I would be viewed as anything other than a weird guy?
You never told me that you don’t feel these things- so I can hold on to that sliver of hope, keep that dream for when I need it. A dream I don’t want to lose, even at the expense of it possibly coming true. To live without is one thing- to live without a dream is quite another.
The reaction I hoped for would not come true. The outcome would not be good. And I finally went to sleep.