I can list a thousand things on the list of “Why we need a new boat” but only if
- we want to give up the old boat
- we are willing to take up new failures from new boat
- …..I’m sure the list could go on….
Wishing you a Happy New Year with only good things happen
30th.Wed Busy (Try to think I am)
Lot of unpacking and cleaning from the trips. I ‘have to’ wash almost everything, including some backpacks. Sterilised tissues to wipe most of the stuff, especially the handphones. I don’t ‘have to’ do these when I’m not living in this house with this family. I guess the last bird-flu in 2002 has caused it, kinda like a habit. The public has been educated to do these, to check ‘what’ has came back from ‘outside’ and needed to be taken care of. When I go back to my mom’s home, I feel everything is nice and clean, I dont spend time on thinking those things. Strangely clean air over there I suppose.
Lunch with Olivia, her daughter is a day older than Sebastian. The mothers’ birthdays are one day apart too, 22nd and 23rd. We met in the baby playgroup when the kids were 6-month-old to 1-year-old. The babies were first best friends to each other. How nice.
Dinner we will go see the circus with Joey and his mom. Another baby and mom gathering.
How are you? We haven’t been communicating for a while. Looks like a distance. Do you feel the same. Lots of things we couldn’t share with each other. Maybe it is just me. Maybe we were too close and I expect a little more than this. Maybe it is just in my imaginative mind. Maybe the distance is what I need or this is what you try to do. You like to make me wonder. Or you don’t know I would wonder. I worry we end up assuming and accusing. That would be sad if we have already predicted it and yet still happening.
28th & 29th Macau
Walked 25k & 19k steps respectively. It is a new way to look at the town. Navigated by the Google Maps by 2 teenagers, and their parents followed. Lots of Portuguese traits left everywhere. Lots of Portuguese everywhere too. Low pay jobs were not occupied by some mainland Chinese, thats a cool and new sight for us.
Two families became good friends and potential travel buddies in future. WY and I, we havent chatted much, both were quiet. I guess we simply enjoy the companion in this way. None of us likes to talk about nonsenses, nor shopping for crazy stuff.
We were sitting at the McDonald’s to grab a quick bite of late lunch at 4pm and heading back to the BBQ spots where the family was waiting for the stuff we bought for the event. It was at the end of this long walkaway in the Paradise Mall. A place of memory while we munched our quick meal.
We had never came back to this floor since we moved away 7 years ago, the attached mall from the first apartment we owned. It has been quite an emotional moment for both of us. As ever, I would always try to be the cheerful one. Do some small talks about the surroundings, the changes, the restaurants were moved away, a few are still there, we hadnt been to this one, we had been to that one many times, the one we liked is gone, etc.
I suggested we take a slightly longer route back at the long seaside walkway, somewhere with more good memory. We always liked this walkaway, we spent time here everyday with our new born day and night.
He didnt think but replied immediately, “Memory is a sad thing to me”. He moved his sight away from my face, looked very sad.
It struck me strongly. I know what he meant. I tried to shake it off ‘me’ or what I did, I said: “Do you mean all memory, including your childhood”.
“That’s not about the memory, it is your problem. Childhood memory could be good or bad, it is called past” I said more things but I know it is pointless. What is done is done. I only have myself to fool. It was a long quiet. We just want to finish our meal and go back to the crowded family for some noise and fun.
When I see Sebastian again, I asked him to go visit this pair of little bronze angels with me. I described to him, if we hold hands with the angels the water fountain would be lit, one of this favourite spots when he was here 1 to 4-year-old. He isnt interested at all, no memory on whatsoever I was trying to tell him. I know, I was just alone when I was there with him. It’s just me, me and me, no one else would remember anything like that.
26th.Sat Unexpect resentment.Low Energy
Instead of having Saturday Fever, I’m having a Saturday Sadness as usual. I was alright in the day time. After I got a little busy, a slight stress, I came into this state. I tried to get myself cheered up, nothing much really works. I seem to be worry a little about the BBQ family day tomorrow, and the two-day trip to MO the day after. Well, I’ll be in the Bat-car and Bat-flight and doing all those Batman things. Yay?
Why cant I be looking forward to the Wednesday when he ends his holiday so that I can do whatever I want then – Would I really be happy when I can do whatever I want? Won’t I cry out loud for anything at all? It looks like I’ll have even more sad days since I don’t have any plans for those two months. OK, let’s see what we have here: The singing class resumes, the public speaking class, the emotional first-aid, the editorial group, the handcraft group, probably should resume the bible studies too since I’m dying for the crowd.
CNY is coming, meaning two weeks prior to that I would have to do the annual duties of being a daughter-in-law in the cultural way. And those days of dressing up, smiles, be the host, wrapped gifts but everyone know it is chocolate, mahjong… and the conventional talks. Alright, I know, just do it, once a year, just got to do it. Can I still hide myself in the Starbucks this time?
I will just have endless worries on endless occasions. I’m just so liking to feel gloomy then, because everyday I just wake up to find what I’m lacking. Now you should be happy you are nothing like me. Everyone would wake up to be thankful for what they are having.
Could I blame it to the dropping of temperature these two days. It was sunny yesterday when we flew the kites at 20c, it is 15c now and Im alone at home. I dont like it. I dont want to be alone. I know everyone would say 15c is nothing – but it is not nothing to me because I am saying it from 30c. Im not preparing enough for myself to get into this 15c room. I dont want to get prepared, because I dont like it here. Why would anyone like it here alone? Cracks on lips, dry skin on palms, legs, arms, thirsty on throat. Lines are everywhere.
My LIKE list was longer and I was happy with it in the morning. But later on the DISLIKE list has gone way much longer than the LIKE list. Maybe I shouldnt have written that when I’m moody. Can I be in love with Happy so that I can hide from Moody please? Can Moody stop finding me please?
The most popular blogs are about food or travel trips, like those are what life is all about, especially food junkies. Take up 4 of the 5 senses. But being a dracular I don’t sleep much and I don’t fancy eating. Maybe I should blog about my flying trips or I shouldn’t try living like someone I’m not.
“Sadly, this evening I am the Dark Knight roaming this mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl” – TBBTs4e17. Let’s laugh.
How sad it is when
No one notice anything
No one to talk to
No one wants to be with me
No one I want to be with
What it means by “I’m ready”
Does it mean I can handle any surprises in both positive or negative outcome ? If one could be that Ready in that way, would he even enjoy what’s going on there? – What’s the fun about it ?
Maybe I should sleep and hide away. But you wouldn’t be able to find me then.
I accepted his good surprise (gift) with joy, with polite thank you note, seem to have eased things out a lot, for him. He tried holding my shoulders and hands for many times tonight. My reactions are same, no reaction. Can he stop trying? It’s too awkward already.
We had been walking for over two hours while Sebastian is having a Xmas Kids party. Instead of attending the parents party we decided to hang out a bit while exploring the area and had a supper. It’s just a one-time off chance, we know we don’t this chance often, or I would normally won’t agree to that. It’s not because of the gift but what should I do then? How do I get into this mess? Would be get myself into more future messes?
Sebastian is secretly preparing a greeting card for his parents on their anniversary next week – I can’t believe our little boy is doing that. He said he is so worried and so alone in doing that, but he can never tell mommy what’s bothering him. So sad. Wished he had a sibling to share things with. But it would too big of a price for me to bear.
23rd.Wed Less delighted.
My faithful watch always notifies me on time. I took a picture of this scene in every past years. I guess I shall save them here from this year onwards as I misplaced those old ones. I wonder how many years more would I wear this watch. I hope this blog would live longer than me.
I woke up and felt pessimistic this morning. It’s out of expectation. I have been expecting this day for many years. I even wrote a blog post somewhere in my phone but now I cant find it. Maybe the movie Little Prince we watched this morning has something to do with it. I don’t suppose I must be joyous in this time of the year but I want to be.
In case like this I think it is time to find something sweet for the tongue, since I cant do anything about the heart. Here’s a little sweet stuff I received in the mail, sent by a sweet girl lives in Düsseldorf. This must have been the best Stollen I have ever tasted, not that I have tasted a lot of them. I think asian kids simply don’t like the smell and taste of Stollen due to the citrus peel and cinnamon, these don’t occur often in our diet. I remember how I felt awful when I first tasted it in my young age. I shared it with Sebastian and he doesnt like it neither. But I love it. It is still too sweet for my tongue but it’s really tasty, and I wonder why. I hope someday I would get to eat it again, maybe I shall look for Kuchenmeister in my next visit. Red label.
I postpone having my cake until tomorrow evening. No good reason for doing that but I’m doing that. It really doest matter, not a big deal worth mentioning but I’m mentioning it here. I guess I want the future me to know what I did in the past. I want it hammered in my mind that life would not always be perfect so stop expecting that, and take a look at our daily life, it is simply full of these decisions we made for ourselves.
I am not upset about the age but this is funny.
“But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. We will be unique in all the world.”
“One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.”
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
“It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince
Paola came and celebrate birthday with me, turned out I made her happier than she made me. Guess I’m always the giving person. Can’t complain, not only I don’t have too many choices of friends, but also because I want to learn the endurance and resiliences in life. No one ever says life is always a bed of roses. And I’ve reached to the age of stop dreaming for that too.
If I cant make myself happy on my own’s special day of the year, I might be seen as a failure by myself – thats what I thought in the past birthdays. So, this year, I arranged and had myself a pre-birthday celebration.
Went for the Nutcracker with little Sebastian tonight. He enjoyed the music but fell asleep 10min before the intermission. A little accident happened so we left the theatre 10 min earlier since we couldn’t get back to our seats anymore. I was hoping to see the Final Waltz, or the Scene II in Act II for the expression of joy but no luck. Anyway, they skipped those three ethic dances thats quite disappointing. I guess that’s why I didn’t choose to stay at the guest-waiting cabin. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue bringing hopes into theatres. I watched too many of those old videos and I was expecting the same. And then some would say, if it is the same why buy the ticket then. emmm. I really dont know what to do.
Although he didn’t enjoy the show as much as I wished he would, and he said No for the Sleeping Beauty showing next month from the same serial, I asked if he would watch another ballet show with me once a year if not more, and he said in affirmative, “Of course! Just for you, Mommy”
It turned out that we caught a nice 10-min 3D Light Show outside the theatre. It wasn’t cold at all in the time of the year like this but I’m glad for tonight or we would have headed home. So we stayed a little for show – watching it from an outdoor giant theatre is quite an experience. I asked if he thinks it’s boring (too childish) so we could leave, but he wanted to stay so we did. The same old story about how Santa Claus is sending gifts and love to the city, something nice about it is that, the story was tailor-made for this city, with the HK Green Mail Box plus the street views of HK, thats something nice to see.
It is supposed to really cold and windy with this scene, walking on the Avenue of Stars and facing this scene, but it is not for this year. And the neon lights across the Victoria Harbour is so much lesser than the previous years, definitely the Big Mac Index of HK economic of the year.
If you need a listener, you will know where to look – that’s the main concern. I enjoy getting to know you and I have learned to enjoy the wait-training too. If there’s anything more I can do, you wouldn’t hesitate to tell me to. You’ve too much on your mind right now and you worry too much of current newer things than those old stuff, I’m not interested to dig into those if you aren’t.
On one fine day you would wake up and call me to tell me everything – I know it. Before that, I need both of us to stick together for the winter or the emotional monster.
I want to know what’s in your mind but worrying on this is the last thing you should do.
20th.Sun A fine day with good interaction of PEOPLE
Completed my last homework for the speech on 24th in writing. I am getting more confidence for the five-minute speech, piece of cake, I hope.
Another day of yelling at him.
“If you can’t control yourself, what do you think you can control?”- Dr.L said. I must do it well someday, I’m getting better. I used to ask him “Why do you make me yell at you?”, now I know I was wrong.
The muscle endurance course is completed. I learned something better than training my muscle- I want not only to train my muscle on body but also my mind. “Whatever pose that you feel difficult to reach, that’s where you need the training” – I will stop the fear and start to train. Getting comfy doesn’t work, enduring could be the way then.
19th.Sat Low energy.
Look how obvious it is! Should I be grateful for the hand cream or be mad at the fact?
The most active activity during winter in the last two years is the fighting with wrinkles on hands, or I should say, hiding them away. No matter how many layers or what I have applied, it stays fine skin for 30min top. It’s depressing. Right now, I hadn’t applied anything whole day, the wrinkles are so obvious. It’s only to be seen by me, it could be called as lines than wrinkles. But it’s enough to freak me out. I seem to imagine the day when I have skin loosen and full of deep wrinkles. Would I be fussy like right now? Or it means absolutely calm?
Would you still hold my hands? Would you hold from this to this? Would you not realise it has changed from this to this? What would it mean to you, a dry hard palm or a warm lovely palm?
So cold. I’m out in this cold street walking again, alone again.
I miss you.
The two BFFs, I think I have successfully and officially tell them all to leave me alone and go away from me. I just don’t want to fake it or pretend I agree with them, am I wrong? Do I always have to be the one to gulp it all up and not telling how I feel?
Would you be gone soon, like them?
Tomorrow I’m ordered to attend a family dinner for Winter Solstice which I tried to refuse… Why does he have to invite/order me to go? I gave few excuses but rejected. I don’t need to share the joy, can I not go? I don’t need you to feel bad just for the festival, can I not go?
Ok. I get it, I’m supposed to feel contented to be invited. As in the conventional habits, a polite way and good gesture to invite family and friends no matter how they feel about it, well, in fact no one should feel uncomfortable about it? Or they will transform anything negative to positive ? Just admit it, you need me to complete the family image that you are pretending it’s still perfectly working fine.
This winter I’m buying and eating a lot of chocolates! More than I have ever eaten in any period of time. Anymore explaination or excuses are nonsense. I’m just liking them and allowing myself to indulge, that’s the main point to be noted in today’s diary.
Good news – the low temperature would only stay for the weekend. Hopefully to get some sunburn(!!) by middle of next week
I wish I can go back to my warm bed and hide, never wake up in sober anymore.
17th.Thu 11c.Lowest temperature.
Are you replaceable? You’ve became the standard to help me shed them off my life, all I want to do is continue to feel heartbroken. And yet, you are replaceable.
15th.Tue Anxiously waiting for the dropping of temperature
I didn’t know how I get to walk that much.
Went out from home for four times today and changed four pairs of shoes. The boots were too hot for today, the pointy heels were too loose after I last wore it three months ago, the new ballelina flats were too tight after I stepped out of the lifts or I would have returned it to the store, the sport shoes were best since I needed to walk a lot tonight….
I walked so much today, like a whole day. And slept too little last night. The usual, when I have to leave house early in the morning I wouldn’t sleep well the night before.
I am so proud of my little guy today. He performed in a competition for an English speech recital, in front of over 100 strangers. None of his parents has done that before. Although he didn’t get any rewards but he’s my bravest little boy, I almost teared.
I have been doing this in the past few years, avoiding to see him at nights, I have been spending time in my room in the last few years or sleeping early. Now I changed my mind about not wanting going out at nights- I started to like it. Life is full surprises. I can’t say I don’t like anything anymore because I might change my mind in next minute. To do that meaning I have to give up spending time with my little boy. Maybe it’s not good.
There is no special place I would like to travel = I don’t enjoy traveling alone + I don’t enjoy traveling with him. If I have someone else to travel with, I’ll be happy to go anywhere because I enjoy spending time with certain people in my life, or with certain reasons I would be happy to travel with them, that’s how I have been traveling with him too. We need family trips for our child.
13th.Sunday Getting cold
It’s a busy day: church, shopping, dinner, now my eyes can barely open. I guess I didn’t sleep well last night or woke up too early. It’s one of the happy day, maybe business cause it, or is it due to the warm weather? How do I keep busy like today everyday ? Maybe I could, I just need time to adjust and get used to live like a normal person, as I have never lived before. HOPE is important for one to live happily.
Although the merits of each other are ignored, not seen, not appreciated by the other one, but we kinda put up with the demerits of each other. We have been living together for such a long time. Can we really live without each other someday? Do I want to try? Can I take the consequences?
What is friendship?
Recognition and Empathy – I guess I have done these or I am still trying
Affirmative and Appreciation – I guess I have not done enough?
I walked 10,000+steps in radius of 5km in order to find a quiet indoor place for us. Found a few restaurants, some are quiet too, but really no guarantee, what if there comes a group of drunken guests. I spotted some open space public indoor areas in daytime but when I was there tonight it’s all occupied by groups of ppl, some were there practicing break dance by a group of teenagers – that’s actually part of MTR escalator area, quite interesting tho. Lucky them. If their music isn’t too loud I’d have stayed. So when I was so disappointed and walking toward home, I found a little sideway to a smaller shopping mall, which has short bridge connecting there with it has marvellous view to the sea side as well as the highways, and it’s quiet and indoor! It’s only 15min from where I live! I guess this is where I’ll go next time! It’s all worthy. After all, they say, best things are just around the corner or it’s actually within our palms.
I received Xmas cards and parcels from my penpals lately. As you know I haven’t known them for too long, only exchange 1-2 letters so far, but I guess there are still a lot of genuinely kind people around the world, with full trust, love and hope, which is pretty amazing I must say. I’ll just have to forget those who intentionally hurt others, in fact I’m not mad at them, I don’t know why. My friends said I should, told me to stop sending parcels to them.
I hope you have a nice weekend ahead. My classes are coming to an end very soon, counting down to last classes, which is enough to make me sad. But then, new hope are here too. New list of classes in March is there to keep me busy for a while to plan something. I guess life is always full of hope, as long as I want it to be.
Should I go back to bed or should I go out for the busiest day of the week? Why am I feeling this? Why is negativity following me everyday? I wish I can record something nice for today. Can I go back to my happy cave? My energy is slipping through my fingers. I don’t want to be here. What’s the point/fun of being brave? No. Nothing.
Freudians say that unhappiness is the inevitable result of the clash between our natural drives and civilization’s needs. “Desire is the design flaw”
Wednesday.9th Heavy rain.
A little boy confessed to me tonight. He’s a little boy to me because back to childhood days he would be licking his lollipop while I was in college, or I was playing hide-and-seek while he wasn’t born yet. He’s now reaching the age of marriage and had his parents worried, and been trying to fix him with some arranged marriage/datings but refused by him and because of that he hasn’t gone back home for over two years by giving excuses of busy workload.
We often chatted in midnight while he was having his luxury tea set with a good sets of tea-making accessories; whereas I was playing COC or watching my tv drama shows. Those were the quiet midnights we met, we met in the game. He was touched by my care. I protected him as a senior in the game and introduced him to my family of clan members, the leader did not allow members to leave clan for any reason but him, Eden Garden, has been leaving for a few times and then one day left for good. I must be too boring, I did things without reason, or because I’m the opportunist, I keep in touch with him and told him to come back anytime and let us grow stronger together. I guess I value the friendship, do we need a reason to treat anyone nicely? He’s one of the few person I find it nice to chat with, not any reason from the game progress or gender or age or anything at all. Why am I the only one who is doing this? My clan members told me to stop contacting this kind of “betrayals”.
Months later I deleted QQ and didn’t notice it would be useful anymore because I’m slowly leaving the game that I had played for over two years. One day he tracked me down in Wechat and told me how sad he was for not getting my reply from QQ. We had our good chats coming back and he told me sone updates of the game and helped me with something in the game. So we are back to regular contacts now. Lately he has been saying something like a woman with child or older doesn’t matter to him. I didn’t think that was for me due to the reason that I’m not interested to the age gap. Tonight something happened in the game so I had to talk to him for a while. After that I was asking if he’s alright recently. He said he can’t hold it anymore and he said he’s depressed because he won’t be good without me around. I never want to flirt with him so I replied in colder tone. I know he isn’t the type who would flirt too. I had to attend my class and had to go. Three hours later when I came back I read a long full confession of how he was been noticing me and how much he knows my pain and how he wants to take care of me. At the end he said he was still at work and having a gastric because he forgot his dinner that’s around 2200hrs.
Needless to say I’m touched, but it got me waken up rather quickly because I can’t end up with a little boy who would forget his dinner. I think I’ve passed the stage to take care of others or thinking this would be so romantic for forgetting the routine due to admiration to me. I replied in one line that I have to sleep due to a busy schedule tomorrow. I can’t believe how cold I am or become. Then it reminds me those countless times I get rejected by others for various reasons (not romance) that they would reject me coldly and how did I feel. Why am I doing this to him? I might continue writing this tomorrow. I’m sleepy now.
The reason I decided to have it documented here tonight because in time I want to be reminded how desperate I once was, now.
Tuesday.8th Cold.Disappointed from appointments.
I’m tired of these. He said he saw something last week and inspired him to tell me the following: Love is action not speech only. I believe I have done a lot to show my love in last few years. I know I started late but I’m doing it now. Why is it not enough? What else can I do? What else do you want? Do you see it?
I’m tired. I see it. I appreciate it all. I don’t want to lecture anymore. When I had never stopped telling, he had never stopped blocking it out. Why would he ask now when I can’t afford to tell anything anymore? What else can I say and not hurting him? How do tell him what I want outside the Milky Way while he can only live on earth? Can I tell him to stop doing anything? Can I tell him it’s ok to give up? Can I tell him to let go and live in part ways?
I’m tired. I keep his messages unanswered. I have been doing this but it seems like he only keep writing, and assuming I accepted and agreed? If I answer these, it’s either creating a chaos or ended up another bad night that we don’t need.
The talkative/talking ones are often the demanding ones, like myself. The silent ones are often the lost ones, like myself. I have to silent/stop my mouth/finger, and I have to stop being lost, what do I do now? My sleeping nights came back and I’m sleepy. I’m tired.
Monday.7th. Raining.Windy.Cold and depressed.
Now I start to wonder how I interacted with all relationship around me and how much could I change for the future ones. Remember those two ladies friends I told you, I thought we could become BFF, well, we did, for a short while and started off very quickly, like my other relationship. Then I realised they are too troublesome to be friend with, they talk too much and never keep their words, they are late at all appointments (one made me waited two hours once) or they simply cancel everything last minute due to bad mood of the day! Both of these things are very much contrast to what I would do normally, not what I would do now, I did have those days in the past. And it bothers me now, because I don’t want to go back to those days, can’t afford to. I told them how much I understand them and how to deal with it. They appreciated me and told me how great I am to stick around, but then what? Nothing. That’s not it, I can still live with that if our conversations are great, but it’s not, they talk with no action, they said they like to make time to do things with me, going to join me for courses I’m joining, then they start to give excuses of absence, not once or twice, but many times, absent for 8/10 times, isn’t that outrages to claim you like something or want something? I don’t think I should keep being used. One hand doesn’t clap. I should let go, right?
Sometimes I think I’m too normal to live in this world. I keep my word, am I not normal? I love from basic needs, am I not normal ? Then I’m called the crazy one at most of the time ….
You know I once wrote to a woman in IP for friendship n she replied to say: you have no idea how happy i am to receive a msg from another woman!
– see? that’s how women feel about friendship, we want it but we can never keep it
Another time when I told a guy friend that I’m better with men n never seem to get along with woman cos I’m too masculine in my mind for them (don’t like accompany them to shopping, don’t like gossip about other girls, don’t eat much stuff) then he said, I’m the 4th close friend who told him the same thing
– see? Women always think they are special but they are really just like everyone else.
Sunday.6th. Rainy hopefully not gloomy
Sitting in airport for four hours. What a terrible mistake. Unbelievable. Paid a lot of money to buy a horrible time, something I often do, never seem to learn the mistake by heart. Must be the dumbest person in the world. Instead of apologise, I prefer to blame her. How convenient. And I’m not doing anything about it before she leaves. I never did.
We will be keeping things from each other and until everything fade away. Maybe you would seek me out. Then I would cling. Then you would retreat. Then we will stop. Circle goes until we give up. By the way I have accumulated eight drafted emails. Quite a progress. Most of them will go into dustbin soon. But I’m keeping them. I like documentation.
Have you been meeting only mean people in your entirely life? Why would you have such a negative feeling upon others? Although I’ve been pessimistic all along but I must admit I have met a lot of nice and kind people, apart from those who failed me, or from those who did fail me I still find the good side of them although not favourably to me. I pray I could shed some lights if not more.
Went to three bookstores and got the same result, sold off. A city never sleeps, people live there don’t read too, I guess. That’s why there are only limited copies with those books: non-vampirism, non-maze runner, not those type of top seller books. Maybe I should get my first e-book. But should I get it on my phone or on my reader? There’s no book on my phone but I like to read it here.
I guess I have had a good day after all. I spent a lot of time reading today. Love the duet of cellos in the RVI531, had it for three hours together with a couple of others in the rehearsal, while I had my reading time. I hope you are not gone. I’m worried. But I guess I’ll learn that you will someday.
Saturday.5th. Rainy and gloomy.
You have a labyrinth to deal with. I’ll be waiting patiently. Maybe lonely but it’s fine. That’s the way it is. Take care.
Do you know why would I not be gone, before and after? Because most likely I would be saying those sentences above again after it. The content is not important to me. Maybe we often overestimated our importance to others, but really, no one cares. Or, nothing matters, nothing could influence, if something does, it’s not meant to be.
Bad sleeping quality. I don’t sleep, I nap for a living. Endless sleepless nights remind me of those traveling trips. Decided to join the gym club again, for the club, hopefully for the gym too. Music, sports, yoga, dance, People! That’s most important. But, could that be the right solution or another bad decision made? -I just don’t want to stay alone anymore.
Little windy.Wednesday.3rd. Thinking.
Slept less ate less, I must have gone crazy today. Although it does happen. I said too much right? Not getting any reply make me regret saying them. Always regret this way, always repeating like this, over the years, always. Like never learn the lesson.
My email monster showed up again in my sent email, last week has eaten that guy alive. No more messages from him. He deciphered the code and wrote to me saying we are meant to be plus 6358 of other promises, then send more long emails. But once I replied, he becomes inconvenience. What’s going on here. Am I too cold? Lost of compassion? Or in fact everyone lives in own fantasy world?
The short phone call gets me thinking. I can feel it over the phone lines, a lot going on in your mind, like streams of rivers coming from different directions. It must have been a daily training of it. In fact I’m a little speechless, despite from the fact that I was.
I must find a way to stabilise everything. Stuffing tasteless food into a body without hunger. Be still. Eating is a chore. Since when the isolation started? Been cancelling appointments again. Tomorrow is a busy day with three long appointments day noon night. How is it gonna be? Endless sleepless nights.
I can’t speak my mind.