Blame #4

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid – Please don’t be stupid. Too much is at stake. And I always think it’ll be different this time – prove me wrong once again. Throw it all away once again.

But what about the dreams and the plans and the hopes – What about them? What about Bozeman and the big house with lots of people? Oh yea, that was just me – but it could happen. It could happen one day if people would just stop being stupid… and jealous… and hurt. – No, I can’t seem to stop either – but I try. And I’m willing to give it a try, and even make some compromises on my side. Only a fraction of yours, of course, but thats just the way it is.

I know the managing of the people in my life is not the best, but I know this – I don’t want to lose sweet people like you. That would be dumb. We may part for some time – but that’s all it should be. Sure, those hurt feelings seem inevitable in the beginning, but past them can really be the start of something beautiful.

I still dream of gathering you all up one day for our house in Bozeman. But why is it that you all get bitter and cold in my absence? And now you too. Please, not you. Don’t lose your sweetness – it is your ace. It may even be the only card you have.

Past, present, future – this goes out to all of you. To whom it may concern, and to you. To you in your age of innocence. No, I’m just not like that anymore. Don’t blame me for that – we’ve all had different experiences. We do what we have to do… and so have I.

I won’t lie. I didn’t lie to you and I won’t lie to anyone else. Did you want the old – “I’ve never really lived before I met you. I’ve never loved before you”? I have lived and loved before you. I know it’s the romantic ideal that these things not be the case – but I think that’s selfish. I will not regret and I will not be ashamed – I am thankful for the wonderful loves and great experiences I have had in my life thus far. These things seemed to bother you – so I told you a couple of times that maybe you should be with someone who hasn’t had these things before. Maybe that’s what you need.

I’ve been with other people, but that doesn’t mean you’re not special to me – you are. And if you think that just because I’ve loved other people and had sex with other people that you’re not special to me – then you are the one making our relationship cheap, not me. It was never cheap to me.

I can understand, I think. Age of innocence. I used to want those things too, sometimes I still do. But what good would it have done to tell you I have never lived before you and that I never want you to leave my side? When look at us now. Now those words would be cheap. I said what I meant – that I care about you very much, and I still want you in my life.

“Almost furious” with me – why? What did I ever do to you? “Your words don’t mean very much when you had obviously said them many times before” – why? Most words are more believable the more you say them – so what words are you referring to? ‘I love you’ and the like? So what if I said them before, I meant them before too.

Do you want someone that never felt love before – someone that never felt much of anything before? Do you want someone that has never said “I love you” – someone that has hardly had much of anything to say their whole life? Do you want a person that has never seriously dated someone before, so they have no one to compare you to? Yea, they wont know what they’re missing, but they also wont really know what they’re getting in you.

Well, I have a lot to say, a lot to learn, and a lot to love. So if you can’t accept that, find someone that has never felt, or lived, or said a damn thing. Maybe that’s more along your lines – but damn it, you’re capable of a hell-of-a-lot more than that. I know that, and I hope you know that too. Do what makes you happy. I just hope you’re not angry at what you’re afraid to go out and get. Because I get like that too, and it sucks. You’re capable of more than that. We both are.

Blame wont get you anywhere, honey. “It wasn’t me that hurt you. It is not fair to say that. The problems you had were there before you met me” (L. Reed). Bitter, furious, loss of trust – don’t blame these things on me.

So you can choose to be mad at me – but I wont be mad at you. You seem to be going on – so why are you frustrated about things that are months and years old? What the hell are you mad at? Mad at me for being me? I think you should find out what you’re really mad at, because it ain’t me. I tried to be good to you, and I think I’ve done OK. So enough of this junk – treat me with the love we’ve always shown to each other . Why would that change?


 


 

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